Realistic Resolutions

New year, new you, new episodes streaming on Netflix. Everyone wants to become a better person this year, but in order to really make a change, you’ve got to be realistic. Here are some common New Year’s resolutions, adapted for the busy, late-night lifestyle of a college student.

  1. I resolve to eat healthy. Instead of getting three scoops when the dining hall has a sundae station, I will only get two. And no whipped cream (if it’s a full moon). I will no longer count jello as a “green thing” on my plate. I will not conveniently hide salad under my fries and then “forget” about it and be “too full already.”
  2. I resolve to work-out more. I will take the stairs every day (that I am wearing appropriate shoes, and the elevator is broken). I will find out where the gym is located on campus and consider doing something with this information. I will look at the list of intramural sports offered, and will not laugh out loud when I picture myself doing one of them.
  3. I resolve to learn a new language. I will sometimes put subtitles on while I watch Netflix. I will wander down the language section of Barnes and Noble, and will actually pick up a book. I will put my phone on a different language so that when I get driving directions I am learning, until I get frustrated, forget how to change it back, and decide to get an Uber instead.
  4. I resolve to do better in school. When I fall asleep in the library, I will set a timer for 20 minutes, because that is, apparently, the optimal amount to nap, according to scientists. I resolve to find out who these mysterious scientists are who know so much about napping, and then see if I can take their job, because I am so qualified. I resolve to start my essays earlier than the night before, if I remember and haven’t lost the assignment sheet. I will ask my friends for another copy of the assignment sheet, instead of the professor.
  5. I resolve to read more. I will no longer judge a book by its cover. I will also judge it by the color of the actual book once you take the paper cover off. I will stand in front of the literary fiction section with my chin on my hand, nodding as if I have heard of all of these contemporary authors. I will pick up a book and open it to the middle to read a page, and then will not buy it because it is too confusing.
  6. I resolve to be more organized. When I clean my room and push everything under the bed, I will hang a sheet over the side so that the pile is not immediately obvious. I will get a folder for each of my classes, and use them for more than just writing the name of the course on the cover in a fancy font. I will go through at least the top two inches of my Drawer of Doom, where I’ve been putting every assignment and miscellaneous documents for the past 2 years.
  7. I resolve to do more things that make me happy. I will eat that extra brownie, join a random club, and re-read my favorite book for the 500th time. I will not feel guilty about anything that I enjoy, even if it means being in pajamas all day and not seeing the light of the sun while I finish a video game. I resolve to support everyone around me in doing the things they love, even if those things involve too much microwave popcorn and not enough textbooks.

Photo by Sweet Flour Bake Shop

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